frustrations

just in a sad mood today. everyone is posting their pictures and having fun at wc in yokohama and meeting up with other otaku to share the love of pokemon! i wish i could do that!! i wish i could share how much i love things with others. but i live in the shitty states and have the most unfulfilling friendships and its bout near impossible to make new friends because of how ugly and bitter i am. i mean i keep my sadness and bitterness and nihilism to myself (i mean i'll let it out here) and socially i usually keep to myself as well but lately loneliness has been hitting me more and more. maybe because it feels like the end of the world. maybe because all the friendships feel state. i think i've just become this otaku and none of my friends are like that, casual anime/gaming/manga/pokemon fans at best and my the media properties i love have consumed me so i want to talk about it and and be my true self with someone who will get me. and it feels like none of them really get me now. they always ALWAYS say the wrong thing when i share what i love. like one friend told me to use AI instead of encouraging me learn how to draw...UGH!!!!!! my other friend is a political centrist and it came out of nowhere and i was so surprised and disappointed and like it's been hard to talk to her since that stupid centrism is what's going to get us all killed, its why life sucks so bad now, and like i thought she would be radical i feel like she was way more progressive when we were in school and i know a lot has happened to her but damn like it's not supposed to push you center it's supposed to galvanize those feelings for real change and freedom and equality even more!! like break this racist, queerphobic, capitalist hell ass system BREAK IT NOW!! my closest friend i love her like a sister, but we just different things and when i try to get her to like stuff i like she doesn't care, she likes her own things and that's okay. every time we try she just gets bored and then we get into an argument and it's like i should have just done this on my own like usual. it just feels like its so joever and i am just filled with nothing but regrets. i've never lived and have just been depressed this whole time or knew what i wanted from life until too late. if i look back on it my most happy moments have either been alone being and otaku or with Carrie (my cat) or with my mom dad and brother. if only i lived in japan like of course i'd be an outsider cause i'm a fat black woman who also happens to be very ugly but it seems like it doesn't matter if you're ugly there, you can find at least one friend who loves everything you do as much as you do and be happy forever and do fun things and eat good food and make memories and be nostalgic and maybe even live life with no regrets or at the most just a few. i don't mean to romanticize Japan i know no place is perfect but damn i know its fucking better than the US. at least when you're sad over there or after you have to deal with racism or misogyny over there you can just go look at a big ass gundam or wash your sadness away with a slushie at Pokemon Cafe and a big bag of plushies from Pokemon Center or eat the tastiest ramen alone in a secluded as booth or go to cat or raccoon cafe or get the cutest chara nails and wear a bad wig and just be yourself like and so it makes all the bad things easier to bare. what do we even have in the states to make things easier to bare?? like the state parks but like i cant go to smoky mountain national park everytime i feel like i want to jump off a cliff its too far!!!!! i should really just try to do this stuff on my own and not be tired and not be lazy and FIGHT MY SORROWS and find an otaku friend here but DAMNIT I FUCKING HATE THE WESTERN POKEMON FANDOM!!! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THEM FOR BEING SO FUCKING INSUFFERABLE AND RUDE AND STUPID AND ENTITLED AND TASTELESS AND LAME AS SHIT!!!! with just how unbearable and stupid everyone was during Gen 8 just know i will NEVER forgive them for that ever. so how am i supposed to find friends here when i hate all of them??? i know its because they're mostly men, or people with no media literacy or people who have never had thought for themselves and the only thing that sustains them is attention and social media or its seems like it is, and man i just hate men and the patriarchy and white supremacy and its just also so damn cultureless and stupid. and i hate the other end how pretentious and entitled fandom can be. why is everything a competition and/or for attention of others. i hate fan wars and fandom in general. its all just extremes like where are the normal ass people who can just enjoy things without it being about attention or exclusivity like just be fucking normal my god. they already have friends and don't need any new ones i guess, and thats fair too. something is wrong with me for me to not have fulfilling friendships tbh. and stop using aave if you're not black and just be normal and stop acting like your labels make you immune to criticism since you have placed yourself in an oppressed minority now and thinks that makes you except from perpetuating these destructive and oppressive institutions of whiteness and maleness. stop making your labels your entire personality. im not saying people shouldn't be themselves and celebrate what makes then unique im not saying that all. it's just when you make your identity and labels your whole personality because you don't like being part of a race or group of people who as a whole has brought destruction on so many others because of guilt and in doing so try to other yourself so much that you talk about literally nothing else it's the worst. you no longer seem genuine in your identity and it's just cloak to cover up your whiteness or misogyny or the fact you can't live without attention for like 5 fucking minutes. and stop using aave and black phrases if you're not black its so annoying!!! i don't even know what i i'm trying to say lol, it's all just word vomiting out of me now but its hard to make friends with these feelings. im sure some of that is the hate i have for myself warping into a type of envy for others living genuinely and being accepted as they are when i have never been and never will be because or what i look like physically and how so many people are so easy at making friends and being loved. i think why do they deserve that when in actuality everyone deserves those things they are not something you earn but i have a hard time believing that due to my own exeperiences. ANYWAY i need more therapy and help. mostly i just want one or two friends to talk about stuff with and share pictures and stories and hang with and have fun with and make memoriew with and like that's it. i know i don't deserve it but would like one person to actually get me. and i have TRIED to get the friends i have into the things i like but we just like different things and they don't like any of what i like now. saw a married japanese couple with their pokemon plushies and rings and going around doing things like i know that is completely out of the question for me but damn i did want it a little bit, which is crazy considering i don't even believe in marriage. pokemon made it more appealing lololol. hmmm like really how do you live??? i have to live somehow and i have to keep moving forward somehow and fight my sorrows somehow and make my own dreams come true and like get to japan somehow for like month at least or move there permanently.....when i get the chance to i will. for now i will just spend as many moments as i can with Carrie and eat food i enjoy and create a safe space for me to just be my y2k nostaligic pokemon otaku self and have fun with my appearance and not care if anyone things im ugly and try to be healthier and not let depression waste anymore of my life.

💖 CARRIE 💖

 here is a picture of my cat child my reason for living lol and my best friend. she is like a balm who i love more than life itself she is all the good in my life. life is  cursed but you find reasons to keep on living. She is also very funny and hard headed lol

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