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lately i have been feeling off and like a robot again and not well in general. idk. i am so envious of people who know how to draw and work on anime or games, who didn't get covid, whose brains work the way they're supposed to, whose bodies work like their supposed to, who can feel things properly, who have friends and can just have some chicken and fries and beer and laugh with a friend, who get to travel and have seen the world, people who get to live in japan, who were like 20/30 during the best years 1990-2010, who are skinny. i am feeling like my days are numbered, and the worlds days are numbered. i know that's not true but its what it feels like. i just want to feel normal again. to feel properly again. and go to japan. and for carrie (my cat child whole heart) and my mom dad and brother and his cat to be okay. and find a condo and live on my own again. and live a fulfilling life and not have anymore regrets. i want these to feel like attainable hopes and not just wishes. i don't want this to break me i want to live and fight my sorrows but im not fighting right now im just going through the motions. i have a doctors appt tomorrow hopefully i can figure out something. i just want to live in my own place again with my cat child and feel like it is a weekend in the year 2000 and envelope myself in nostalgia and peace and coziness and things i love and ignore all the bad. i don't want hate and envy in my heart, i don't want to be irritated all the time. i just want to feel like myself again.