that_is_so_farfetchd

hate when my obscure youtube video gets popular thanks to some loser ass influencer streamer and there are a bunch of STUPID FUCKING comments on there and they're so fucking remedial. fucking hate internet speak. hate any videos or comments that are like later than 2018. hate trying to find a job at the end of the world. hate being fucking broke. everything sucks ass. like all this new anime sucks ass, its so boring. 90% of new music sucks ass. trying to make new friends sucks ass especially since im ugly as fuck or theyre like weirdo witch hunt everything little thing is problematic ass bitches. hate people who smoke LIKE NOBODY WANTS TO SMELL ANY OF THAT SHIT!!!!! everything cost too much even though it all sucks ass, quality in the toilet. hate that the ecosystem is collapsing and it feels like i dont have anytime to see the world. hate how racist every single non black/african country on this planet is. hate how yall steal and rape and appropriate everything from black and african and caribbean people and destroyed everything we have without a second though. hate this stupid country so bad and all the stupid racists who run it. hate pokemon fandom, and like all fandom. hate that i'll never have what nana and ren had. I HATE CHANGE. i hate my parents are getting old and covid fucking my brain up and my cat's heart is giving out and my brother got married (i don't hate this persay i just hate any sort of big life changes) man like THIS SHIT IS NOT FAIR AND SUCKS AND I NEED A TIME MACHINE AND I NEED TO JUST MOVE TO BARBADOS WITH MY FAMILY AND MY CAT BEFORE THE END OF THE WORLD AND FEEL HAPPINESS AGAIN IF THAT IS EVEN POSSIBLE!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

my emotions have been all over the place lately. like just all over the place. i know this is untrue as the universe doesn't not give a shit about anything it's inanimate (maybe) and unfeeling (probably) but i just feel like the universe definitely wants me dead. wants me to be miserable so i kill myself and get the fuck out of here. like at every little turn i feel this. maybe i now have anxiety on top of my usual depression but like its like damn the universe does not want me to have any peace or ever experience happiness. like i get it i personally don't deserve to, but i feel like everyone at least deserves peace. i can't even look forward to this or that because i have to worry the universe wants to take carrie away or i have to worry im going to get fired from the most stressful job i have ever had in my life. and like i know i am lazy but i don't deserve to be stressed out like this at my job. i am being set up to fail and maybe they are doing this to push me out none of them are trustworthy and i am already thinking of an exit strategy. like i need to update my resume and start applying for fucking jobs again eye roll like fuck. i hate trying to get a new job i am already so tired all the time already and my brain is like not working the way it used to and i am trying to fight for myself and be kind toward with myself but like i need to push through this so i can get a new job asap and not be destitute because i can't stay here. i did not sign up for this and my new manager does not know how to manage and i refuse to let a man stress me in my personal life or in my professional one. like fuck all these people man. like all these fucking processes are a mess but when i can't finagle shit and get it to work then i am in the wrong. like no fuck you all. this not how i imagine a business is supposed to be run but maybe that is just me. i did not sign up for this but of course when you work with a bunch of men they don't care about what you imagined for your career. like i was moved so unceremoniously from one team to the next when i didn't even sign up for this type of work didn't even ask if i wanted to be moved. yall gave me all the work nobody wanted to do because it was so stupid and fucked up and didn't plan for any of this transition so now it's all fucked up and now on the first day back from me from TAKING MY PTO that i earned and have to take because it won't roll over im am getting a lecture about make it work. make what fucking work?!?!! like no fuck all of you. i wish nothing but bad on all of you. like normalize never ending hatred in your soul for stupid ass corporations and corporate speak and corporate jobs and people who take any of this soul destroying planet destroying bullshit seriously. like fuck all of this. im not built for this. like this stuff was meaningless to me to begin with i just need money to survive and take care of my cat child and enjoy my hobbies but its not worth being stressed out like this when there is literally not time for me to fix any of it and its not my fault its fucked up in the first place. and i am not even given the chance to fix and that is somehow my fault too. like imagining someone is gonna work after hours and while on pto to fix bullshit no yall got the wrong one. work life balance because nothing we do at this stupid business matters. im gonna get my bonus and jump ship. might not even give yall two weeks notice, maybe just one. i really need to work on my resume and get the fuck out of here ASAP ASAP ASAP ASAP ASAP. ugh i hate all these people so much i hate every last one of them. UGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! i shouldnt feel like this but i do like yall don't care about anyone;s well being and don't know how to run a business and now i am stressed out because of it no thanks. 

i just happened to come across Naoko Takeuchi's Punch series where she talks about her life and her life with Togashi Yoshihiro. Like OMG seems like they really love each other a lot. It was really sweet to read and made me so happy and sad at the same time. I wonder if I was interesting and followed my dreams and actually did something in my life would i feel differently about romantic relationships and marriage and all that. it's funny because i never imagine that for myself, i think maybe i did once upon a time, in my 20s when i was at my peak and lost a lot of weight and felt beautiful and i thought finally male attention and then it was all bad even though i thought i was beautiful and deserving of love (not actually like related but that's how i used to think) and still i didn't get any good attention from men. it was all sex which some of was good, but talking to them about anything was just abysmal. they never respected me and i never demanded that they did and they were all mostly ugly which honestly isn't a big deal i don't care about looks best sex i ever had with a white guy who looked like a fucking foot LMFAO but anywayssssssssss i am saying all this blah blah blah to say, ive never had a real romantic relationship with anyone and i wonder if i had done what i wanted to do and been genuine maybe i would have met someone who was also genuine and could have had a fun fulfilling romantic relationship as well. idk. i only ever think about this when i read about mangaka falling in love and getting married (like the beastars mangaka just got married and she always posts all the meals her husband cooked for her while she works hard writing cool stuff and being cool). or the couple who both loved pokemon and they have cool things to talk about and go to cool pokemon events and she drew him pokemon as a wedding gift. even lesbians i used to follow this one girl who was married and they seemed like they just have so much fun together and they like kpop and pop culture and they talk about it and they had selcas of the fave idols on their fridge and i just thought they were so cute!!! and i think about my old workmate and how they were such a cool lesbian couple and they had fun and cooked all the time and like actually had cool things to talk about and someone to go to cool things with. i don't feel lonely often but when i do like DAMN i be SUPER DUPER lonely and its usually when i read things like this. i think what i really want is just someone to talk to even if it's not romantic its just genuine and i can be completely weird and actually have REAL discussions with about fandom stuff. i am my self with my closest friend, but like i said before she's not a fandom/otaku/fantasy lover she like real life stuff. it's good to have friends for different things, and friends who don't just all like what you like but i feel like a this point in my life i definitely need a fandom friend. ANYWAYS imagine if i wasn't the ugliest most boring lame person ever and i made a genuine fandom connection and maybe they were someone i could have sex with too LMFAOOO yeah right. the sex part would be a plus not a must. gender doesn't matter so much tbh. i feel asexual sometimes, but i don't know cause i masturbate to yaoi a lot so am i really asexual OTZ?! like fujoshi is kind like part of my core identify and also my sexuality at this point. i don't really know or ever care about my sexuality really. anyways. yeah love is cool, sometimes romantic love can be cool too. i want that dnkb love, like yaoi love but like as a black women (i'm not even guy so i can't be an anime guy lolol), and an ugly one (cant be a bishonen LOL) and a fat one that like other black people, especially men would not consider attractive, i dont really want for those things because ive never gotten them and rejection hurts. yaoi is not real life LOL, dnkb is not real life even if in my head it is. even if all the emotions i should feel for real people i feel for them LOL. i had to see value in myself (which i still really don't) because nobody outside of my friends and family see value in me, nobody condsidered that i had value in those situations. well for some people you get lucky maybe it's a numbers game, but hard to play that not in my 30s since covid came. even Naoko says she used to date a lot and wanted someone special and got lucky and met Togashi and it worked out. some of it is fate or luck or whatever. i fell fated to be alone until i'm in the ground but maybe i'll find my fandom person if i try to not be tired all the time and do fun things and live and get lucky along the way! on another note i fucking hate work DAMN! need to get the fuck out of here trying to wait until we get this bonus but damn can i wait that long i hate this!!!!!

letssssss talk about something fun and happy today, yeah? PERFUME!!! PPPPPPPERFUME-UH!!!! YEAH! My girls, my age mates, my parasocial relationship LOL my favorite SONGSSSSSSSSSS!!!

how long have I been a prfm fan?? since like 2009 or 2010 maybe. my first release was JPN so probably 2010 actually because I believe Triangle was out already. yall will never guess how i got into perfume lmfaoo.....

i used to be HUGE ass shinee fan, like shawol all the way watched hello baby and everything read jongkey fanfic on tumblr and livejournal (rip jjong...) that i had to download on my computer at the library because i didn't have internet in my basement apt, baby i was in THE TRENCHES lmfaoooo!!! there was a fancam of key and all of shinee doing the choreo to chocolate disco i think, and I WAS HOOKED i was like who is that, what is that?!!??!!? been a fan ever since lolol, and i don't listen to shinee anymore or much kpop for that matter despite my relapse in 2021/22 but i still listen to prfm to this day. they are my FOREVER FAVORITESS. WPTA FOR LIFE!!!!!! LIFE OF A WPTA!!!!! BELIEVE IT!!!!!! hahaha!  i should talk more in general of like my favorite artists but #1 IS PRFM!!!!!!! know me!!!! here is the fancam actually im still happy it's available, not sure if this the original video but a video is still on YT!!!!



bruh i love perfume. LIKE MAN I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AHHHHH!!!!! i love that we're all the same age and they seem like they really enjoy what they do and that they really enjoy being a group together and working with their team. and the music is TOO BOMB of course. like listening to perfume just puts me in a good ass mood man like why am i cheesin so hard lmfaooo. life is worth living, i be dancing with Carrie (my cat) and like lets keep going!!! just like when i listen sonic R soundtrack but that's another post for another day! and since they have know each other for so long like basically their whole lives, it must be nice to have friendships like that. i also follow a lot of jpn prfm fans on twitter and like some of them have found their fandom friend and they wear perfume closet to the concerts and they go to the pop ups and have cake on nocchi, yuka, and achan's bdays and chocolate cake at the cafe for chocolate disco valentine's day and of course the go to the dome tours and man i just wish i lived over there and had a friend like that and could do those things!!!! i guess i can still do some of them over here, i just have to put them in my calendar and remember to do them!! AND i have been lucky enough to see them in concert TWICE!!!! future pop and cosmic explorer!!! and i had a balcony seat both times so i had a really nice view!!! and at cosmic explorer achan actually waved at me!!!!! why???? BECAUSE I BE THE ONLY PERSON STANDING UP AND DANCING!!!! LIKE LITERALLY!!! which is so crazy to me like, how can you sit stock still for concert for ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC?!?!!??!!?!? make it make sense. it's because too many fans are just weird fetishizing men who can't dance anyway. idk. last tour i had to sit most of it but i danced in my seat cause i didnt want to block anyones view but some songs i had to stand up and cheer and dance like how can you not?!?!?!!? its a concert not a chamber music in a white ppl church sermon.........idk. ANYWAYS!!!! i remember there was an asian couple way WAY on the back balcony and had pretty much the space to themselves lots of empty seats and they were dancing the entire time and I was like UGH THAT NEEDS TO BE ME!!! next time i will choose a seat where i can dance!! what was really fun was that for Polyrhythm last song encore song, a couple of other fans got out their seat to dance in the aisle and we all danced together it was the best!!!! maybe they really wanted to dance too but felt confined because too many weirdos were sitting stock still, they were real fans!! that is a precious memory and we were all smiing at each other and dancing it was the best!!!! plus since i love that song so much man it was super special, that was so dang fun T^T!!!!!!!!! its nice to see people loving what they love fully and out loud. i should be more brave. at the concerts in Japan everybody is standing if they can and cheering and lively, like why are yall so weird in the west. like i said....ANYWAYS ENOUGH TALKING ABOUT ANNOYING THINGS BACK TO FUN THINGS!!! i hope they tour again overseas soon and I get to see them again and i will buy a ticket for both nights, because last time they had two nights here. i will wear my perfume shirt and bring my towel and i am so prepared LMAO!!!! i want to see them again live so bad!!!!!!!! I WISH I WAS IN JAPAN AND COULD GO TO THE ANNIVERSARY TOURS!!!! MAN I WISH SO BAD!!!!!! i hope they tour in the US again next year like I need to go so bad man, need to feel that fun and joy again. i watched the concert stream for code of perfume in london and their was just one person dancing in the balcony like i need that person to be my friend lololololol, would love to meet them like we could be best friends maybe if they like me lololol! anyways they were so cool, like yes you get it lolololololol!!!!!

i love this megamix from soundcloud so much its like all  (or most) their songs up until that point and i wish there was an updated version i should try to make that the fandom needs an updated one but i don't know a thing about djing or making mixes i guess i could learn. i really should! this is the best and nice sampler for new fans too and you can go and find and listen to the whole song if there are some parts you love!! plus its just a bomb ass mix whoever made this is genius man!! that party maker to spending all my time part is like chefs kiss for me omg!!! ive been listening to this for like 5+ years straight now, it never gets old it's the COOLEST for real! and the spring of life part OMG!!!



nocchi also kind of like my gamer gf in my head cause we are too similar WE ARE TOO TOO similar man love her too much, she is my best girl!!! maybe i should make a post all about nocchi one day huh?? i love all perfume though too, those my girls for real for real...

anyways so back to the real reason for this post lol...my top 10 favorite songs which is honestly super hard to pick even just 10 like man i love so many songs haha!! people who have like one favorite song or one favorite pokemon are just too powerful lmfaooooo i have tooooo tooooo many favorites!! there's just so many good things so it's hard lol OTZ!!! i think i might even try and transfer over here some of my prfm tweets because there are some really good prompts and topics on twitter but archiving over there is impossible so it's nice to have them somewhere where they won't get deleted and can embarrass me on the internet foreva LOL! okay...

MY TOP UNLIMITED HAHAHA (this is more than 10 i do NOT care lololololollololololool) and like most of their discography honestly like i only mostly dislike Star Train lmfaooooo and that's probably it and the Museum one, but I don't even hate those, just like skip and if they come up I still listen alone halfheartedly cause there are moments in those songs I actually like a lot!! Even Tiny Baby jumpin out i just happened to randomly listen to that the other day like damn this not too bad when I used to be like wth is this lolololol so yeah pretty much any perfume song can go on here tbh, and like i might think the original is just okay but the album mix will make me love it like flash!!!!! or i'll love like all the versions of a song like Polyrhythm!!!  I tried to pick my TOP TOP TOP but i could barely whittle it down to a smallish set number im sowwyyyyy...NOT LOL! okay so!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Love Cloud
Seventh Heaven
Next Stage With You
Foundation

Nowadays during Polyrhythm Live stages i legit start crying. Like i can't help but tear up when i think about it or hum it  i don't know what it is,like unbridled joy, good memories from dancing with everyone, Achan tearing up while doing choreo in Polygon Wave Live, like i just love Perfume and listening to their music is good time and I'm grateful to them and YTNK and MIKIKO and Daito and like their whole damn team and ELEVENPLAY. they are all like geniuses man you can tell they love what they do because it comes out as the coolest shit you have ever seen. Like they are up there with Beyonce in terms of live shows, like do it get better than that, i don't think so. They are magic together and I am so grateful to be in the same timeline as them. Dancing with my cat to prfm it doesn't get happier than that for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Prfm <3 T^T!

i was not meant to work i don't think. like no job i have ever done has mattered or made a difference or helped anybody like it's all been so meaningless. i guess when i was a TA my job did help students learn but i didn't enjoy that. i have never enjoyed any job. i don't know if that's cause there is something fundamentally wrong with me like im just the laziest person in the world or my brain just does not produce enough dopamine or like i have never know what i wanted to do or be and have never had any ambition or even a dream or a goal. what job can i get where i can live in a place i love and help animals or people and is fun? i wish i was a illustrator for pokemon or like worked at an animal sanctuary or a produce farm with lots of cats like i watched in that one video the yuka from prfm did a voice over for lol or at a library maybe. also like i need to work from home at least some of the time i don't know if i'll ever feel comfortable working in close contact with others ever again. idk like what am i going to do. what do i want for my life at the end of the world? what job would i regret the least? or like at least a job i can just do and not bring home and my boss doesn't suck ass? i have no desire to work or labor and like i hate everything. what is wrong with me. why can't i just be at least grateful. why is it always unfulfillment and sadness and never like purpose or satisfaction. how can i also travel when i get the chance? i always said oh i wanted to take one big international vaca a year for like 2 weeks, and when i get the chance to go to japan for like 1 month or 6 months or something. how can i do that and also help animals and also like have enough money to eat? are all those things possible? if time was endless it wouldn't matter but like the world is coming to an end society is unraveling i need to get this shit together now. im supposed to find buy a place to live but that would keep me stuck in this stupid job i have now. man i just want to be dead sometimes. if i'm dead no sadness no stress no responsibilities no failure no being full of regret. no nothing but peace and quiet. wasted 34 years. im about to be 35 and have the most stupid childish hobbies and likes and am so ugly and no real fulfilling relationships with any of the people in my life and have never done anything or seen the world on my own and have wasted so much time being sad and asleep and have failed everything and now i can't even buy a place to live because it's too late and everything is too expensive and i never did what i was supposed to do and now i have no options or hope and the world is coming to an end. will i die with nothing but regret. when i think about that i just want to kill myself like right now. i don't have any options and no hope for a fun meaningful future its just suffering until the end for me. the other day my closest friend said we should celebrate 17 yrs of friendship and go to japan together but like i don't want to go to japan with you, we're going to get into an argument and youre not going to want to do any fun otaku things that i want to do and you're not going to want to just do things even if it's stupid or goofy and then its going to ruin what is supposed to be the most fun and magical trip of my life, like no i will GO ALONE you are not invited to that trip we can go somewhere else together. thats so horrible that was my main thought when she told me. like i suck why did i think that but it's true. i am really grateful for 17 years, we do have fun together and she is my closest friend, my only real friend who is not my cat lol, and i cherish her and her friendship but some stuff you gotta do alone especially when i would be all hopeful and then the trip is ruined by arguments and differences in what we want to do and like we can do all sorts of things and things she wants to do but we gotta at least do some of what i want to do in the otaku mecca and like she is not gonna want to do them and then im going to be still doing them alone anyway so no i will go alone. i am shitty person no wonder my friendships are idk subpar. i don't deserve these friendships i see online where you find you fandom soulmate. like she is def my sister soul mate lol, we definitely are like sisters like that is exactly the type of relationship we have, but i need a pokemon soulmate, a sega soulmate, a BL soulmate something like fandom soulmate even though i don't deserve one. i'm getting off track. i need to quiet my lame ass job and do something worthwhile that pays as much or more than my lame ass job and lets me stay at home. i would be willing to go into the office once a week but like that's it. maybe if i helped someone it wouldn't be so bad. when will i have fun? how to make myself make a decision and make memories and have fun and just actually fucking do something for once? all i do is compain and be sad like shit i suck and this blog diary webpages sucks.

just in a sad mood today. everyone is posting their pictures and having fun at wc in yokohama and meeting up with other otaku to share the love of pokemon! i wish i could do that!! i wish i could share how much i love things with others. but i live in the shitty states and have the most unfulfilling friendships and its bout near impossible to make new friends because of how ugly and bitter i am. i mean i keep my sadness and bitterness and nihilism to myself (i mean i'll let it out here) and socially i usually keep to myself as well but lately loneliness has been hitting me more and more. maybe because it feels like the end of the world. maybe because all the friendships feel state. i think i've just become this otaku and none of my friends are like that, casual anime/gaming/manga/pokemon fans at best and my the media properties i love have consumed me so i want to talk about it and and be my true self with someone who will get me. and it feels like none of them really get me now. they always ALWAYS say the wrong thing when i share what i love. like one friend told me to use AI instead of encouraging me learn how to draw...UGH!!!!!! my other friend is a political centrist and it came out of nowhere and i was so surprised and disappointed and like it's been hard to talk to her since that stupid centrism is what's going to get us all killed, its why life sucks so bad now, and like i thought she would be radical i feel like she was way more progressive when we were in school and i know a lot has happened to her but damn like it's not supposed to push you center it's supposed to galvanize those feelings for real change and freedom and equality even more!! like break this racist, queerphobic, capitalist hell ass system BREAK IT NOW!! my closest friend i love her like a sister, but we just different things and when i try to get her to like stuff i like she doesn't care, she likes her own things and that's okay. every time we try she just gets bored and then we get into an argument and it's like i should have just done this on my own like usual. it just feels like its so joever and i am just filled with nothing but regrets. i've never lived and have just been depressed this whole time or knew what i wanted from life until too late. if i look back on it my most happy moments have either been alone being and otaku or with Carrie (my cat) or with my mom dad and brother. if only i lived in japan like of course i'd be an outsider cause i'm a fat black woman who also happens to be very ugly but it seems like it doesn't matter if you're ugly there, you can find at least one friend who loves everything you do as much as you do and be happy forever and do fun things and eat good food and make memories and be nostalgic and maybe even live life with no regrets or at the most just a few. i don't mean to romanticize Japan i know no place is perfect but damn i know its fucking better than the US. at least when you're sad over there or after you have to deal with racism or misogyny over there you can just go look at a big ass gundam or wash your sadness away with a slushie at Pokemon Cafe and a big bag of plushies from Pokemon Center or eat the tastiest ramen alone in a secluded as booth or go to cat or raccoon cafe or get the cutest chara nails and wear a bad wig and just be yourself like and so it makes all the bad things easier to bare. what do we even have in the states to make things easier to bare?? like the state parks but like i cant go to smoky mountain national park everytime i feel like i want to jump off a cliff its too far!!!!! i should really just try to do this stuff on my own and not be tired and not be lazy and FIGHT MY SORROWS and find an otaku friend here but DAMNIT I FUCKING HATE THE WESTERN POKEMON FANDOM!!! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THEM FOR BEING SO FUCKING INSUFFERABLE AND RUDE AND STUPID AND ENTITLED AND TASTELESS AND LAME AS SHIT!!!! with just how unbearable and stupid everyone was during Gen 8 just know i will NEVER forgive them for that ever. so how am i supposed to find friends here when i hate all of them??? i know its because they're mostly men, or people with no media literacy or people who have never had thought for themselves and the only thing that sustains them is attention and social media or its seems like it is, and man i just hate men and the patriarchy and white supremacy and its just also so damn cultureless and stupid. and i hate the other end how pretentious and entitled fandom can be. why is everything a competition and/or for attention of others. i hate fan wars and fandom in general. its all just extremes like where are the normal ass people who can just enjoy things without it being about attention or exclusivity like just be fucking normal my god. they already have friends and don't need any new ones i guess, and thats fair too. something is wrong with me for me to not have fulfilling friendships tbh. and stop using aave if you're not black and just be normal and stop acting like your labels make you immune to criticism since you have placed yourself in an oppressed minority now and thinks that makes you except from perpetuating these destructive and oppressive institutions of whiteness and maleness. stop making your labels your entire personality. im not saying people shouldn't be themselves and celebrate what makes then unique im not saying that all. it's just when you make your identity and labels your whole personality because you don't like being part of a race or group of people who as a whole has brought destruction on so many others because of guilt and in doing so try to other yourself so much that you talk about literally nothing else it's the worst. you no longer seem genuine in your identity and it's just cloak to cover up your whiteness or misogyny or the fact you can't live without attention for like 5 fucking minutes. and stop using aave and black phrases if you're not black its so annoying!!! i don't even know what i i'm trying to say lol, it's all just word vomiting out of me now but its hard to make friends with these feelings. im sure some of that is the hate i have for myself warping into a type of envy for others living genuinely and being accepted as they are when i have never been and never will be because or what i look like physically and how so many people are so easy at making friends and being loved. i think why do they deserve that when in actuality everyone deserves those things they are not something you earn but i have a hard time believing that due to my own exeperiences. ANYWAY i need more therapy and help. mostly i just want one or two friends to talk about stuff with and share pictures and stories and hang with and have fun with and make memoriew with and like that's it. i know i don't deserve it but would like one person to actually get me. and i have TRIED to get the friends i have into the things i like but we just like different things and they don't like any of what i like now. saw a married japanese couple with their pokemon plushies and rings and going around doing things like i know that is completely out of the question for me but damn i did want it a little bit, which is crazy considering i don't even believe in marriage. pokemon made it more appealing lololol. hmmm like really how do you live??? i have to live somehow and i have to keep moving forward somehow and fight my sorrows somehow and make my own dreams come true and like get to japan somehow for like month at least or move there permanently.....when i get the chance to i will. for now i will just spend as many moments as i can with Carrie and eat food i enjoy and create a safe space for me to just be my y2k nostaligic pokemon otaku self and have fun with my appearance and not care if anyone things im ugly and try to be healthier and not let depression waste anymore of my life.

the japanese ship girls have these things called like landmines, so they tag stuff so you don't see ships or ship elements that are gonna piss you off lolol. i think what really just kind rubs me the wrong way with kbdn and specifically raileon ship is that the dynamic and characterization is always so off and off-putting. im just gonna come out and say what i think and that is i think the driving force behind kbdn and raileon is COLORISM AND FETISHIZATION. they saw oh tall black dark skinned character and said "of course they are "aggressive" top". they saw a slightly lighter skinned shorter character and said "oh yes this is the innocent demure one." like did we even play the same fucking game folks?!?!!? and i know the main reason this incorrect characterization is so prevalent in that ship is because there aren't ones any dark skinned fans drawing this, at least that i know off. i really need to learn how to draw!!! anyways this is all just my opinion and observations and everybody is entitled to their own imagination and interpretations and can draw what they want, but that's why i personally block all the raileon fans like every time i see any of their opinions it makes me roll my eyes so hard they might get stick looking at the back of my skull...i follow a few japanese kbdn artists that i think actually took into consideration leon and raihan's personalities and i like their characterizations of them.

there are some dnkb stories that i read where the characterization is off too like when they make either of them shy. was either leon or raihan shy in swsh?? they have so much confidence and charisma and charm and outgoing and proud and are cocky showman like why would either of them be shy about being in a relationship with the other, except maybe when they were younger. and like theyre adults not teens why are they all oh don't take my shirt off when we fuck im embarrassed like get hell out with that goofy shit lolololol...i find that real annoying that's my only landmine that i can think of, most stuff don't bother me and like i said i lilke some kbdn too. and like i even like first time stories for dnkb where there would be hesitation uncertainty but excitement and like not shyness. that doesn't fit either of them at all to me not with how they are portrayed in any of the animation like the anime or twilight wings or the game itself. and we got sooo many opportunities to interact with the whole SwSh cast and like we see how they interact with each other and with their fans i think that's important to take into account at least for me to enjoy things. but again to each his own just venting lol. i stay far away from the weird raileon fans and i hope they stay far away from me LOL.........

sometimes i will order a large fries and an extra small fries as a sort of pre-game in the car before i get home and eat my main meal. that's insane i know but oh well lolololololol idgaf!!!!

(i love french fries too much its true its true)

being a millennial, ive been chronically online for a long time now. ive seen the best of the internet before social media, have tried pretty much every platform, i was there at the beginning when social media leaned into anti norms and black people were actually woke before weird racist high jacked the word and tried to make it something bad like knowing the truth is bad. and now i am witnessing the collapse. why does it seem like everyone is stupider now? maybe its because we see everyones every thought all the time and that's not how its supposed to be lol. it's maddening. everything seems bad bad bad all the time from climate change to open racism revival, nobody having any shame, constant starved for attention, covid ruining everything, everything being run by capitalism, evil white people and stupid ass algorithms. all the good stuff is just happening in pockets and well that's not enough, we're witnessing the collapse of the internet and society and the empire that is the us (which is like that's good but why cant this happen when im not in it lol...)

i'm at that point where i literally don't want to hear most people's thoughts, hell anyone's thoughts about anything like ever again. i know everything is cyclical but like everything that needs to be said has already been said. nobody has anything else to say, and now all these different communities are just circle jerking the same talking points over and over again like enough!! a lot of stuff now is like DUH like why does this even need to be a post. none of this stuff is solutions its just gotchas and self care baloney. i just don't care and am actively annoyed by it all. i don't know if that's just my depression or i am completely withdrawing from society. i think it's a mix of both

im just gonna focus on loving what i love until the end. focusing on my cat, anime, manga, music, movies, ships, food, games, stuff i like and not being a part of fandoms or discussion. i mean i don't participate in that stuff now but im just gonna like completely cut it off. so tired of reading people's thoughts that aren't like entertainment property.

like future is only gonna get worse imo, so gotta do what i can before it's too late. loggin off and literally going to touch grass in another country and clear my backlogs and cook and play with my cat child and pretending like it's y2k and living in my own little y2k bubble. 1995-2008 was like the best time imo. anyways. just needed to vent.

i feel like this isn't quite accurate wasn't he blobbing about on screen and then he said "hello"

i should gif the whole digimon movie that will be my gift to the world lol...