unfulfilled

i was not meant to work i don't think. like no job i have ever done has mattered or made a difference or helped anybody like it's all been so meaningless. i guess when i was a TA my job did help students learn but i didn't enjoy that. i have never enjoyed any job. i don't know if that's cause there is something fundamentally wrong with me like im just the laziest person in the world or my brain just does not produce enough dopamine or like i have never know what i wanted to do or be and have never had any ambition or even a dream or a goal. what job can i get where i can live in a place i love and help animals or people and is fun? i wish i was a illustrator for pokemon or like worked at an animal sanctuary or a produce farm with lots of cats like i watched in that one video the yuka from prfm did a voice over for lol or at a library maybe. also like i need to work from home at least some of the time i don't know if i'll ever feel comfortable working in close contact with others ever again. idk like what am i going to do. what do i want for my life at the end of the world? what job would i regret the least? or like at least a job i can just do and not bring home and my boss doesn't suck ass? i have no desire to work or labor and like i hate everything. what is wrong with me. why can't i just be at least grateful. why is it always unfulfillment and sadness and never like purpose or satisfaction. how can i also travel when i get the chance? i always said oh i wanted to take one big international vaca a year for like 2 weeks, and when i get the chance to go to japan for like 1 month or 6 months or something. how can i do that and also help animals and also like have enough money to eat? are all those things possible? if time was endless it wouldn't matter but like the world is coming to an end society is unraveling i need to get this shit together now. im supposed to find buy a place to live but that would keep me stuck in this stupid job i have now. man i just want to be dead sometimes. if i'm dead no sadness no stress no responsibilities no failure no being full of regret. no nothing but peace and quiet. wasted 34 years. im about to be 35 and have the most stupid childish hobbies and likes and am so ugly and no real fulfilling relationships with any of the people in my life and have never done anything or seen the world on my own and have wasted so much time being sad and asleep and have failed everything and now i can't even buy a place to live because it's too late and everything is too expensive and i never did what i was supposed to do and now i have no options or hope and the world is coming to an end. will i die with nothing but regret. when i think about that i just want to kill myself like right now. i don't have any options and no hope for a fun meaningful future its just suffering until the end for me. the other day my closest friend said we should celebrate 17 yrs of friendship and go to japan together but like i don't want to go to japan with you, we're going to get into an argument and youre not going to want to do any fun otaku things that i want to do and you're not going to want to just do things even if it's stupid or goofy and then its going to ruin what is supposed to be the most fun and magical trip of my life, like no i will GO ALONE you are not invited to that trip we can go somewhere else together. thats so horrible that was my main thought when she told me. like i suck why did i think that but it's true. i am really grateful for 17 years, we do have fun together and she is my closest friend, my only real friend who is not my cat lol, and i cherish her and her friendship but some stuff you gotta do alone especially when i would be all hopeful and then the trip is ruined by arguments and differences in what we want to do and like we can do all sorts of things and things she wants to do but we gotta at least do some of what i want to do in the otaku mecca and like she is not gonna want to do them and then im going to be still doing them alone anyway so no i will go alone. i am shitty person no wonder my friendships are idk subpar. i don't deserve these friendships i see online where you find you fandom soulmate. like she is def my sister soul mate lol, we definitely are like sisters like that is exactly the type of relationship we have, but i need a pokemon soulmate, a sega soulmate, a BL soulmate something like fandom soulmate even though i don't deserve one. i'm getting off track. i need to quiet my lame ass job and do something worthwhile that pays as much or more than my lame ass job and lets me stay at home. i would be willing to go into the office once a week but like that's it. maybe if i helped someone it wouldn't be so bad. when will i have fun? how to make myself make a decision and make memories and have fun and just actually fucking do something for once? all i do is compain and be sad like shit i suck and this blog diary webpages sucks.

i should try to be...

dream fighter. fighting dreamer.